How to deal with a friend who is becoming distant; pulling away
How to Deal With a Friend Who Constantly Talks About Her Boyfriend
Your friend has found love and you couldn’t be more thrilled, but this doesn’t mean you have to listen to her talk about her new boyfriend all day, every day. You may struggle with how to deal with your friend’s over-excitement around her new boyfriend, especially if she seems to only enjoy discussing the finer points of their relationship. You can address the issue by shifting the discussion to another topic so you can both enjoy your time together. You should also take steps to focus on your friendship, rather than just your friend’s new relationship, and set boundaries so you do not become resentful or frustrated with your friend.
Shifting the Discussion to Another Topic
Be a good listener.Though you may find it difficult to pay attention to what your friend has to say about her boyfriend on a constant basis, you should still strive to be a good friend and be a good listener. Being a good listener does not mean sitting there passively and nodding at everything she says. Instead, you should try to be an active listener who asks questions and engages with your friend. This will allow you to feel part of the conversation and make it feel less one-sided.
- For example, your friend may start discussing her latest date with her boyfriend. You may then respond by asking questions like, “Where did he take you?” or “What did you do?” Asking a few questions will show your friend that you are trying to engage in the conversation with her and listen to what she has to say.
Cut off the conversation politely.If your friend is really deep into her new relationship, she may not take the hint and continue to go on about her boyfriend, despite your attempts to change the subject. If this is the case, you may have to politely cut off the conversation so you do not become frustrated or upset. Doing this will save you from having to hear about her boyfriend and also really make it clear you want to talk about something else.
- For example, you may say, “You know, I have to get going. Thanks for the coffee, let’s get together next week!” Or you may politely say, “I’m late for class. Let’s catch up tomorrow?”
- Cutting off the conversation politely will give you a way out of the conversation and perhaps signal to your friend that you are getting tired of listening to all the details of her relationship.
Set limits on how long you will listen to her talk.For the sake of your sanity and your friendship, you may decide to set a limit on how long you will listen to your friend talk about her boyfriend. This may be 20 minutes, 30 minutes, or 10 minutes per a conversation. You may keep this limit to yourself and then enforce it once you have reached it. Setting limits will allow you to still be a good friend and support your friend’s new relationship without sacrificing too much of your time or energy.
- You may also set limits on how often you listen to your friend talk about her boyfriend on a weekly basis. You may decide to spend time on that particular conversation twice a week or only once a week. This may mean you spend less time with friend for at least the first few weeks of her new relationship until she settles into it and talks about it less.
- There are many different ways you can enforce the limit you set on your friend's talking about her boyfriend. You can try changing the subject to another topic. You can also move the conversation to something about your surroundings, like the food you're eating or the bird you see in a tree. You can also take a break from talking for a little bit. You can also just say that you want to talk about something else or that you don't want to talk about her boyfriend anymore. You can also leave the situation entirely. You should decide which of these options to take based on your relationship with your friend and the situation you're in at the time.
Do not call her back right away.You can also set boundaries by giving your friendship some space and breathing room. This may mean not calling or texting your friend back right away. Or, you may set her call aside and make a plan to call her back when you are ready to talk about her boyfriend. Doing this can help you control how often you hear about her new relationship.
- For example, you may notice your friend has called you in the morning. You may then put off calling her back until the evening when you have set aside an hour of time to talk. You may then call her back and say, “Okay, I have an hour to chat before bed. What’s up?”
Let her know you are uncomfortable with the discussion.If your friend continues to talk too much about her boyfriend, you may need to sit her down and have a discussion with her about how you are feeling. You may have the chat in person and in a private location, like your home or in a park outside. Bring up the topic with her and be honest about how you are feeling. Communication is key to a good friendship.
Focusing on Your Friendship
Make time for just the two of you.You can also deal with your friend’s intense interest in her relationship by trying to still make time for the two of you to hang out, one on one. Spending time together can allow you to build memories that do not have anything to do with her relationship. It will also give you a way to shift the focus from her relationship to your friendship.
- When you are making plans with her, you should make sure you choose a specific date and time for the hangout. Avoid making vague plans, as these could then change due to plans she might have with her boyfriend.
- For example, you may say, “How about we get together on Friday night at 7 pm for dinner?” or you may say, “What about hanging out after school tomorrow?” Put the hangout in your calendar and commit to it so you get time together, just the two of you.
Suggest a girl’s night out.Another way you can focus on your friendship is to plan a girl’s night out. This could be with other girlfriends you have and exclude any boys, including your friend’s boyfriend. Having a girl’s night can allow you all to hang out and make memories together, separate of your other relationships.
- You may try to collaborate with your friend on the girl’s night so she is involved and invested. You may ask her advice on what to do or where to go as a ground. You may plan the night together so you can also spend time together one on one.
Include her boyfriend in social events.Though you want to make sure there is enough time for your friendship, you should not disregard your friend’s relationship when you are planning social outings. If the social outing is not a girl’s only night, you should make an effort to include your friend’s boyfriend. Inviting him will show your friend that you do not have a problem with him and are supportive their relationship.She also probably won't talk about him a lot during the time you're all together, because he will be right there.
QuestionWhat if this friend refuses to be dissuaded from talking about his boyfriend for 5+ months? Is that a good enough reason to end the friendship/stop hanging out with that person?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerThat depends on how good of a friend he is. I would first try to talk to him about it. Tell him it bothers you and explain why. If he doesn't make an effort to stop, then you could think about ending the friendship.Thanks!
QuestionDo I have a reason to be jealous? My best friend who is a girl, talks about her new boyfriend all the time and it makes me very uncomfortable.wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerMaybe you're not jealous, maybe you're just annoyed. It's perfectly okay to calmly say something like, "I feel like [boyfriend's name] is all you talk about? Could we possibly talk about something else?" If you're nice about it, she probably won't get upset.Thanks!
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